So at the moment that I’m writing this post, I am on a ‘no YouTube’ thingy. If you read Breaking Down that’ll explain the whole ordeal to ya. So, now I have to go another twenty two days without go on the site. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I mean sure I could just go on the site, and lie and say that I’m not, or just watch a video a day, but that would do me no good. My leaders say to replace it with the word of God, and honestly I haven’t really made any attempt to do that yet. I have nothing against God. There’s just so much that I don’t understand that opening myself up to this relationship is kinda hard. I have doubt and fear about so many things of this religion that I feel stuck, and that feeling makes me not want to even attempt to try. I know that anything worth having is worth fighting for, but how long must I fight? How do I live my day to day live believing in a higher being that I can’t see, hear, or feel? I’m I really forgiven when I repent or am I just telling myself I’ll change? Does he see me writing this, and say ‘ I can’t believe it’ or is this then end of our road together? It’s all to much, and this post wasn’t even suppose to be about this. But at night, when I lie awake in bed, I often wonder, what does death feel like. Is it just an end to everything I’ve ever know, or is it a beginning. A beginning to something better or worse than the life I live now? If God loves his people, why does he kill us and hurt us. Why does he allow bullying? Why does he allow rape and warfare? I go through this cycle. I go to church for a bit, and pray every night. And then something happens, and I stop. I don’t even think about God for a while. Then something happens, I get one of those ” where you been” text or something happens and I’m back in church. But the thing that makes me shake my head, and want to cry is church is the place where I fell the most uncomfortable. It’s like there’s a fire in my belly and I can’t move. The pastor and everyone else screams and shouts, and I stand as still as a statute. I feel stuck, and it’s really the most awkward thing I’ve ever experienced. Man, oh man the struggles.